Financial Infidelity in Marriage

from Thursday's (April 8, 2010) Frederick (MD) News-Post:

Financial infidelity major reason for divorce
Frederick News-Post, April 8, 2010
by Susan Guynn, News-Post Staff 

Secret credit card accounts.

Mysterious purchases.

Buying items just to get back at your spouse over an argument over money.

It's like cheating on your spouse with money. Call it financial infidelity.

"It ranges from the man who impulsively buys something without telling his wife to saving money and hiding it -- not for the couple's use and not telling the other spouse," said Larry Letich, an individual and marital therapist.

The deception shatters trust.

"The person who is being hidden from feels a loss of control and betrayal," as they would if their partner was involved in sexual infidelity.

"It's actually a very common occurrence simply because couples avoid discussions about their finances," Eva Lucht said, a licensed clinical counselor with South Mountain Counseling Services in Middletown . "Often couples are mismatched in their beliefs in how money is spent or what a need is versus a want."

According to a 2005 survey sponsored by Redbook magazine and lawyers.com, nearly one-third of U.S. adults ages 25 to 55 who are in a committed relationship admit they've been dishonest with their partner about spending habits. Women are more likely to be the ones withholding information, according to the survey.

Whether you call it financial infidelity, secret spending, checkbook cheating or just a little white lie, the bottom line, according to financial planning and marriage experts, is that it ranks right up there with sexual infidelity as a major reason for divorce.

"Infidelity usually means one person has decided to start a behavior that is not accepted by the other person," Lucht said. "They do it on the sly, spending money without the other person knowing about it."

Lucht said this type of infidelity is a signal that the relationship isn't open and honest.

"The couple can't come to a common consensus about what to spend money on," she said. "They have different spending styles or spending agendas."

Lucht counseled a couple where one partner used "their" money to buy drugs. With another couple, one partner made a big-ticket purchase in anger to get back at the other over an argument.

Letich said there can be a number of underlying reasons for financial infidelity, but "in reality it's fear of putting yourself in another person's hands."

"Money symbolizes control, security and, for many people, freedom," he said. "The fear is the fear of being controlled. It can also be the fear that if they trust anyone else with their money it can be taken away."

Letich said those are fears people most often bring into the relationship.

"It's also a pattern that develops in many couples where one person is the free spender and the other is a conservative one," he said.

The opposite view may be an attraction at first, but it can become a major relationship issue.

"Our society often propounds the idea of taking care of yourself, 'looking out for No. 1,' with No. 1 being yourself," said Gary Derr of Mount Airy , director of the Greater National Capital Area for Crown Financial Ministries. Founded in 1976, the organization equips individuals, families, churches and businesses to learn and apply biblical financial principles.

"Marriage is a commitment to forge a new life with another person. And all marriages need an agreed-upon plan or process for dealing with and resolving financial issues to provide safeguards and accountability, and to sustain trust and unity in the relationship," Derr said.

Finances are a "huge part" of the oneness in marriage that scripture speaks of in Genesis, Derr said. One way to prevent financial infidelity is to have joint accounts, which allow both access to account information.

"If they have a 'his money/her money' mentality it's easy for division to creep in, leading to a husband vs. wife ideology," he said.

Even if both partners have different views on money and spending "it is possible for them to make a plan that will work well for them, but it definitely requires communication -- open, honest communication," Derr said. Many couples need help with the financial planning process. Crown has Money Map coaches to help them develop a plan.

"Sometimes communication gaps can be intense, with damage done in the marital relationship to the extent that they will need to seek other outside help as well," Derr said.

Letich said the red flags of financial infidelity are not unlike those of sexual infidelity. "There's a secretive aspect to it," he said. If you feel there is less money than there should be, trust your instincts and ask your partner about it.

He said couples should work on finances together and not let one partner handle it all.

"Be aware of what's going on with your money," Letich said. "There are people who, surprisingly, don't even know how much money their spouse makes."

Sometimes the infidelity has its root in a gambling or other addiction, Lucht said.

When financial infidelity happens, Derr said the first thing to do is "bring it to light, so it loses its destructive power. The offending spouse needs to come to an understanding of his or her wrongdoing and the damage it has caused, talk about it with his or her partner and seek forgiveness." A change in behavior, such as having all finances open to the other.

An "accountability resource," such as another couple or financial counselor, can ask the hard questions and provide encouragement. Part of the accountability might be having each person request a credit report periodically that can bring "secret" things to light, Derr said.

Working on a financial plan together can help rebuild the relationship, too, he said. "An important element of this can be the stipulation that neither one will spend over (an agreed upon amount) without first consulting the other."

And if your partner wants to discuss a financial problem or concern you were not aware of, "keep listening, don't go into denial," Letich said. Concealing problems, financial or otherwise, won't resolve them.